VEGETARIANISM

Stop killing yourself. Eat meat. I'm serious. We are not herbivores and anyone who pretends to be one is in danger of self-harm and communal upset. This may sound like a wacky persecution of hippies, but I am in fact concerned with the welfare of humanity and though it is true that I get some sense of self-satisfaction out of this because I enjoy being right, but I know that this philosophy, if correct, could have a significant effect on the way you live your life, and the health of the world. Just hear me out, if you don't agree with me by the end, it's obviously your choice (and so it should be), but read this with an open mind and put down the bean-burger, at least for a little while.

A primary assessment of our physical attributes may provide some clues. Look at your mouth. Or, if you don’t have removable eyes, false teeth or a mirror, look at someone else's mouth. The human jaws possess three types of teeth, The incisors chop and the molars chew, but in between them lies a very important clue to human nature. Canines. These are designed for the simple, yet very necessary task of ripping flesh to pieces. They puncture veins, tear cartilage and pierce muscle. They are dogs, that is their Latin name and dogs are carnivores. This should be enough evidence on its own. The notion of eating meat is built into our very tissue, it is literally right under our nose. We were built to eat meat because only meat-eaters have these teeth.

The next physical clue to our nutritional needs is in the look itself. Our eyes say almost as much as our mouth. Where are they? We look forward because it is the way which our eyes point. They are on the front of our face and this is an attribute that we just happen to share with every other predatory mammal. Wolves, Lions, Bears… These carnivores are creatures designed for the more authoritative role in the hunt, and they rip flesh with their eyes front, just as we should. Their purpose is to kill, and they are very good at it, though perhaps not as good as we are, because we have something that they don't. We are, after all, the only animal that can snatch the noses from our young. A Tiger can't say "got your nose!" because they don't have thumbs. They do have the best teeth and claws in the business, all of the aforementioned beasts do, but we don't. A tiger's bite, though relatively small in area, is comparable (in pounds per square inch) to that of a crocodile and those things are pretty much just one big set of very sharp teeth. But we have a tiny bite and flimsy finger nails, so we needed an edge. The notion that we developed thumbs to help us swing through the trees is redundant and insulting because a) we're not very good at it and b) chimps and orang-utans are brilliant and they still have five fingers on each hand. We developed thumbs to hold sticks. Sticks can be sharpened and stuck into other monkeys, or any animal for that matter. The thumb is perhaps the greatest weapon ever devised by God or nature or whatever is responsible. It allowed us to climb the ladder to the top of the food chain and hold on to it (probably while we hit something small and furry over the head with it). We were made for the hunt, the kill and the delicious, nutritious flesh that it brings.

If you want to argue against this idea by saying that just as we evolved into the perfect killer, we have maybe evolved into something else since, then you're an idiot. Evolution is a physical development. Our eyes aren't moving towards our ears, our canines are not getting more blunt and we can still give the thumbs up. We aren't changing, which means that we are still the hunter. We still need the fats and proteins that meat brings us, unless we supplement our diet with pills and plants that quite frankly taste like old shoes and bad breath. And for all those who are saying "Soya? Mmm... yummy!" just stop lying to yourselves and everyone else. Vegetarianism is a typical attribute of a martyr. Self-denial brings a sense of being better than the rest, because through your suffering, you can look down your noses at the rest of your world with a sense of "I’m right, you're wrong". Stop it. This life is short and spending it in misery induced by denying yourself the endorphins that satisfying your natural bloodlust can give you is insulting, preposterous and laughable. I've met a thousand vegetarians and not a single one has ever presented an image of happiness, satisfaction or amiability. Anyone else can go home, have a cut of their favourite meat and feel better. Nut-roast and zucchini don't quite have the same effect, do they? And what's the deal with eating fish? Just because you can't give a salmon a cuddle, you won't mind sticking your fork into its flank?

And then there are those who just feel closer to nature by denying themselves the occasional bloody carcass. Why? Mother Nature is a bitch. What's so good about nature? Hurricanes, AIDS, Tsunamis, Cancer, Malaria, Mudslides, Great White Shark Attacks, Bacteria, Earthquakes… I can't really admit to wanting to buy a Valentine's day card for Ol' Ma Nature. We need her, so we should respect and protect her, but I'm not going to fall head over heals for something than can crush me indiscriminately at any moment. You want further proof that nature's dangerous? We are nature and there is nothing more dangerous than us.

Bloodlust is a strange concept. Human beings are great killers, a fact already established, but why we do it, why we need death is a strange and frightening concept. It's primal. It's something deep and dark from the days when we shouted at the sun and fought off the sabre-tooth cats. This is caveman, primal scream stuff. It's in the blood. Oh, there's nothing wrong with wanting to grow beyond the killer in your soul, but denying the bloodlust is probably dangerous. If a diabetic denies himself because he doesn't want to be a diabetic any more he's pretty stupid, and he'll die from it. Every animal has an offensive and defensive strategy. The prey has defence, the predator offence and both use these aspects in a significant part of their lives. We have established that we are predators and yet because we are the dominant species on this particular rock, and for the most part of our lives our inbuilt weaponry lies dormant and redundant we rarely see it. We need to get our bloodlust out, so to feed ourselves meat that once was flooded with haemoglobins acts as a substitute for our primal instincts. Without meat, we have no outlet and our own sense of humanity gets on top of us, a factor in the explanation of vegetarian depression.

The ethical aspects of vegetarianism are quite ridiculous. I wouldn't eat veil, but I'd bite your hands off if they had a beef burger in them. I don't eat venison because Bambi had a big effect on my younger years, rabbits and Watership Down had the same effects and outcome. I love going to aviaries, but I also love BBQ chicken wings. The point I'm trying to make here is that I love animals, but I can also love meat and that doesn't make me a hypocrite. If we are a subject of nature, we are subject to nature's laws and therefore we are part of the food chain. Pick any animal in the world, remove it from the food chain and watch chaos ensue. Take away spiders, and we are overrun with flies, which feed frogs so that we are overrun with slimy amphibians which feed pike and the rivers swell with the carnivorous fish that eat all of the ducklings and suddenly we have no ducks and Chinese restaurants lose their signature dish. Try it with anything. Devastation will always ensue with the removal of a single link. So take us away and see what happens. Cows, Turkeys, Chickens, Pigs, Sheep and a few others will be the main species effected. Millions, possibly billions of prey have nothing to gobble them up. Predators will find them, and their numbers will grow and perhaps our stay at the top spot will be threatened. It is perhaps a bit rich to say that all of humanity will be destroyed, but decimation would be a certainty, even with our guns and sharp sticks.

This is why I see vegetarianism as a lie and a threat. It doesn't make you feel better, it just gives you the comfort of feeling worse. It makes you out as a protector of nature but instead you are a threat to it, possibly because you misunderstand it. It's not a solution. It's a disease. A superiority complex wrapped in the denial of natural guilt and an easy way out of your responsibilities as a human being. We are predators. Predators need prey, and beans rot and lentils aren't that fun to chase. My advice to any veggie or vegan (a particularly dangerous strain of this bug) who reads this goes as follows. Go out, find a restaurant and order a big steak, cooked only slightly, barely rare. Stab it with your fork, cut it with your knife, lift it up and watch the blood drip from it and remember who you are. You are a human, nature's ultimate killing machine, who just happens to unfortunately have a brain big enough to process the notion of guilt. Lick your lips, open wide and find employment for those long redundant canines. Taste the red, feel the life and live again. In the blood.